I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
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