Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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