at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
