just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
