you didnt know i had herpes?
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Randomize
