the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
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