I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
