Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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