Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Randomize
