dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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