i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
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