you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Randomize
