Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
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