I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Randomize
