I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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