I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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