I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
