omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
