My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Randomize
