Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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