Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
