when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Randomize