My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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