you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize
