I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
someone owes me an orgasm
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Randomize
