I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize