He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Randomize
