I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
