I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
Randomize
