I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
