What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Randomize
