why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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