gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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