I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Randomize
