The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
