Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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