I think I won the penis lottery.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize
