There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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