When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
