this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
