my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Randomize
