Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Randomize