Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Randomize
