the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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