haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
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