I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
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