i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
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