I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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