I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
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