i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
