Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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