no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
