We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
