Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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