I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Randomize
