I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
