i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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