They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize